Breaking: MBA intern fired from internship for reason you will not believe
By Tom Stoback, Kellogg Comedy Club
A student at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management was fired with cause from their summer internship prematurely this summer. In a public press release by the company, they explained the student had “exhibited a pattern of gross unprofessionalism, including but not limited to pressuring colleagues into sharing saliva in the workplace.”
Traumatyze, a Chicago-based startup with early seed backing from entrepreneurial legend Carter Cast, is a company focused on helping high school students get into college through character development activities. On Thursday afternoon, police were called to the Traumatyze facility (located on 1738 Silver Spoon Way) in response to reports of an out-of-control Kellogg intern. The individual in question left the premises in handcuffs soon after cops arrived on the scene. He was charged with reckless endangerment, sexual deviancy, and chemical warfare. The company published the below statement regarding the unusual incident on Friday:
Evanston area authorities were called to the site yesterday, at approximately 3:15 pm CST. Authorities were called by Traumatyze leadership, who made a termination decision and planned to deliver the news at 3:20 PM CST. The employee had exhibited a pattern of gross unprofessionalism, including but not limited to pressuring colleagues into sharing saliva while engaging in an activity he referred to as “baby birding” in the workplace. This behavior was found to be appalling, repugnant, inappropriate, and profoundly yucky. The termination decision was swiftly made after the event in question had been brought to leadership’s attention. Due to the chaotic nature of the behavior, leadership anticipated a significant and erratic response from the former employee, enough so to warrant the involvement of the Evanston PD. Dispatch agreed immediately that the result was unprecedented, and all local units were rerouted to assist.
Upon dismissal, the employee in question did, in fact, retaliate. The person of interest initially reacted in disbelief, telling the managing partner to “stop busting my balls, big dog.” The individual proceeded to plead with firm leadership, citing his repeated contributions as “mama,” and explaining how his behavior was intended to improve morale in the “beat-ass office.” He then attempted to rally others to his cause, physically laying hands on other Traumatyze interns, asking them to stand in a line with mouths agape so “mama can get the party started.” It was then that authorities apprehended the individual.
Since his dismissal, over 30 Traumatyze employees have come forward sharing their stories of the biohazards they were subjected to by the former employee during his 3.5-day stint with the firm. While Traumatyze acknowledges – and often celebrates – the myriad ways uncomfortable experiences can make for complex, interesting stories in an individual's life that showcase their overall journey, the firm does not condone this behavior. As previously stated, it is yucky.
Unrelatedly, all 30 victims of the incident have been promoted to senior college essay consultants.
Evanston PD have not yet released a statement at the time of publication. Coworkers of the former employee agreed to be interviewed for this story, under the condition of partial anonymity.
“I had read posts on Reddit about Kellogg students but had not worked with one until I met [name redacted during ongoing investigation],” said a current Booth MBA student. “I was excited to learn more about Kellogg’s famous culture and hoped to report back to the Reddit thread with my key takeaways. What I saw instead will stay with me to my grave.”
“[He] led our first conversation by loudly telling me how great Kellogg is. The social scene was like nothing he has ever encountered and that was his biggest reason for choosing Kellogg over other ‘masters of barely anythings’ as he put it.”
It is important to note that at this point in the interview, the Booth student became noticeably quieter and began to sweat profusely.
“[He] then kept telling me about going to the nest with him. [He] said it would be so fun, and something we’d always share. I thought he meant a bar or concert.”
“Then, on Monday, we had a ‘Traumatyze me’ happy hour. I was so excited. I wanted to meet my new colleagues and network. I saw [villain] and asked when we would go to the nest.”
“He –” the Booth student began through a tear, “I’ll never forget the look in his eye of pure joy and excitement. He, he – he took a large mouthful of his Old Style and looked at me. He tapped his finger to his lips, and before I could process what was happening…” At this point, the Booth student began to weep uncontrollably and ran out the room. He has not responded to requests for comments since.
NOTE: Since initial publication it has been brought to authorities’ attention that this alleged “baby birding” behavior is widespread across the Kellogg community. This is an evolving story.
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