De Facto Guide to Securing a Return Offer at Your Summer Internship

By: Max Berky and Lorenzo Maglione, Kellogg Comedy Club

Pictured: you at your internship.

If you’re anything like us, you haven’t had a summer internship since you were a pipsqueak college junior who drank Pink Whitney and smoked mango Juul pods. So we're writing this guide as a straightforward way to definitely crush that summer internship. You're welcome.

1. Enjoy a hero’s welcome on day 1 

2. Hire an intern to do all your intern tasks 

3. Tell your boss to “kick rocks” when they ask for you to go on the weekly coffee run 

4. Buy Claude Max on the corporate card and clone yourself to show up to those dreaded Zoom meetings  

5. Block your calendar every Friday with “Wellness Block” and go to the Hamptons with your intern class 

6. Demand to organize a cannonball contest at your VP’s wife’s Fourth of July party  

7. Create a TikTok mini-series of how much you hate your job when you inevitably get annoyed with your boss  

8. Hit the “6-7” emote every time someone makes a mention of either of those two numbers 

9. Impress your one-night stand by bringing them into the office and offering them skinny pop in the breakroom 

10. Lie about having a wife and kid to make yourself seem mature and relatable to your manager 

11. Flirt with the other interns and when questioned about it, swear allegiance to your fake wife and kids 

12. Impress colleagues with your protein-fueled lunch of tuna fish salads and hard-boiled eggs 

13. Replace the office coffee machine with an imported espresso machine from Italy, bought on the company card, whose settings are exclusively in Italian, and which is far too complicated for anyone to operate 

14. Get a butterfly henna tattoo on your forearm with your senior’s name to show how dedicated you are to the team 

15. Teams chat your boss (AKA, your dad) “So…. how bout that return offer?” every day of the summer 

    
    

Author’s note: Please never do any of these things at your summer internship... except for number 8  Read More by the Kellogg Comedy Club: Spring Quarter Bucket List The Unspoken Skills We Develop at Kellogg An Anthropological Study of Kellogg Singles December at Kellogg: What Really Happens Inside the Global Hub Winning KWEST Decided for 2025 Season

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