What Ambitious Girls Should Look for in a Partner

By: Jeein Youin I got married one month ago.

Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride

The very first book Luke, my husband, and I read together was Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of Meta.

It was September of our senior year in college. Luke and I were both in the same finance class, and we quickly became friends—mostly because Luke had a hard-copy of the class textbook I refused to spend money on. Before every class, he would kindly offer to take pictures of the pages we were assigned to read and text them to me. He is, in fact, still this kind.

Of course, the texts evolved into something more flirtatious than textbook pages on ETFs and capital markets, and by November we were about one month into dating.

It was also about one month into dating that I handed Luke Sandberg’s book, Lean In, a #1 New York Times bestseller about women and work. I had already made it a chapter in and thought inviting him to read it with me would be a natural way not only to share a hobby but also to start conversations about ambition—a trait I had long admired in myself and in others, especially in a partner.

In her book, Sandberg impressively articulates an array of topics—from combating imposter syndrome to balancing work and family responsibilities—but, one quote, in particular, forever etched into my brain.

In Chapter 8, Sandberg writes,

“The most important career decision you make is the person you marry."

I highlighted that line 3x.

What did I need to look for in a partner, as it related to careers?

For the next four years of dating Luke, I quietly and unashamedly over thought this very question.

I re-read Lean In.

I read an additional 200+ pages on the topic of marriage.

I listened to 30+ hours of podcasts on the topic of romantic partnerships.

I attended panel discussions on dual careers and husbands-and-wives founding companies together.

In coffee chats, I frequently and successfully snuck in the question, “how did your marriage affect your career?”

And at the end of my quest, I narrowed the answer down to these four traits.

1. Partnership

"Dishes are your thing. Taking out the trash is my thing.”

vs.

“I know you have a presentation early in the morning tomorrow. I got the dishes and trashes tonight. Go get ready for bed.”

Partnership exists when both partners are aligned on their respective roles, assigned with the intent to leverage individual strengths and maximize efficiency. Partnership also requires flexibility in these said roles, with both partners willing to adapt in service of one another. The key is that there is no tally of who served whom or how often. Each partner’s aim is simply to out-serve the other.

2. Championship

“I got into both schools! What should I do?”

“I love you, and I support you in whichever school you choose.”

vs.

“I got into both schools! What should I do?”

“From what I know about you, school X would fit you for Y reasons. School Z would fit you for T reasons. Let’s go visit each school together.”

Championship and support are often misunderstood as being synonymous, but they are distinctly different. Support is reactive, and championship is proactive. Support helps you sustain, and championship helps you propel. Ambitious individuals need championship more than they need support.

3. Intellectual Intimacy

“Today, in class, I learned that the creator economy is expected to double in market cap this year.”

“Dang, that’s a lot of money! What else did you do today?”

vs.

“Today, in class, I learned that the creator economy is expected to double in market cap this year.”

“Oh wow. What’s driving that growth?”

Couples with low intellectual intimacy engage in polite listening and acknowledging of each other’s cognition. Couples with high intellectual intimacy spark each other’s creativity and wonder. For intellectually intimate couples, conversations don’t end—they expand. This requires a level of intellectualism and continuous learning from both parties in the relationship. Otherwise, ambitious individuals deflate from conversations that lack substance and innovation.

4. Equal Ambition

“Are you sure it’s going to work?”

vs.

“Let’s figure out how to make it work."

Partnerships that are disharmonious in levels of ambition often drift into uneven growth, mismatched risk tolerance, and eventually a lack of respect for one another. For the ambitious partner, it can mean unrealized potential and a sense of constraint. For the less ambitious partner, it can feel like a constant strain on their pride to not live up to expectations that were never fully their own. Both are incredibly exhausting.

I’m not nearly suggesting these are the only traits that matter in a partner.

There are arguably more important traits to look for, like honesty, humility, spirituality, loyalty.

The four traits I’ve articulated—partnership, championship, intellectual intimacy, and equal ambition—are simply additional traits to consider if you desire a relationship that will compliment an ambitious and successful career.

If you are not yet married, I sincerely hope you do not ever settle for anything less than a relationship with all four traits.

If you are married to someone with all four traits, you are incredibly fortunate and equip. The question isn’t “what can we accomplish”—it’s “what can’t we accomplish”.

If you are married and you do not believe your partner has all four traits, these traits are extremely learn-able, and the journey of learning these traits together is, in and of itself, a unique fortune.

This article originally appeared on Medium. Read More Articles on Dating: Sex and the Chi-ty: The IPO Sex and the Chi-ty: Product Management vs. Dating Sex and the Chi-ty: Love in the Time of Time Zones Sex and the Chi-ty: Jet Lag Edition